It seems that my last article – Learn To Empty Out Before Things Explode – brought up a specific question for many of you that’s worthy of more discussion:
How do I know when my strong reaction stems from my plate being a little too full and when it stems from a situation that truly needs attention?
Situations like a fight with your spouse, a disagreement with your child, an outburst with your employee at work, treating the clerk at the grocery store rudely, going into complete meltdown mode after someone criticizes you.
Sometimes, these circumstances arise simply because you are in overload mode – no more, no less. And sometimes they bubble up because there is a deeper issue, emotion, or storyline that needs attention.
This topic rarely breaks down neatly into sections of black and white, right and wrong. When we’re in emotional situations – especially those that involve other human beings – there can be a lot of Gray Area.
YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO HANG OUT IN THAT GRAY AREA IF YOU TRULY WANT TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS.
The first order of business is to go through the process of identifying what in your day-to-day life brought you to the boiling point. What has happened today, yesterday, in the last week, perhaps in the last couple of weeks, that added up to the point of breakdown?
Look for sources of overload or emotional upset. Circumstances that you haven’t resolved yet and are carrying around with you every day.
You have to have a pretty good handle on what has been stacking up in your life so that you can begin to understand whether your sensitivity is overblown or justified.
As you undertake that exercise, be on the lookout for what is current versus what I call Old Triggers. Triggers that have shown themselves many times in your life and have a familiar narrative.
These triggers usually stem from old hurts and require extra time and focused attention to both understand and neutralize.
Take this example:
Your spouse comes home and tells you that he needs to spend the evening alone. You immediately break down into tears, feeling left out and wondering if you’ve done something wrong.
With a little examination, you realize that two things are true:
- You had a huge disagreement with one of your siblings today and were hoping to be able to talk that through with your spouse this evening, and
- You have a pattern of going into meltdown mode when your spouse openly speaks his need for space.
In this case, #1 is your current situation and #2 is your Old Trigger.
It’s important that you be able to separate these things so that they don’t all snowball into one, big, ugly blob of a story that leads to reactivity and accusation.
In this case, knowing that you are extra sensitive today can help you to better understand – and hopefully moderate – your response. The disagreement with your sibling is not your spouse’s fault, nor should he be held responsible for that. Your ability to articulate that to yourself is essential.
Additionally, calling attention to the fact that you’re still working with an Old Trigger – a long-term project that won’t be solved overnight – can also help you to not spiral into full-on meltdown.
IN EFFECT, BY BREAKING DOWN THE DETAILS OF YOUR SITUATION AND LOOKING AT WHAT IS CURRENTLY ADDING TO THE MIX VERSUS OLD TRIGGERS, YOU GIVE YOURSELF THE POWER TO COURSE CORRECT YOUR RESPONSE BEFORE THINGS GETS OUT OF HAND.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t or shouldn’t speak to your spouse openly about these things, but it can help you to reduce the drama quotient. In fact, communicating with your spouse about these situations will help you both to diffuse future misunderstandings and upsets.
Not to mention that, by taking a closer look at the sources of your upset, you are accumulating information that will help you to heal old wounds and work with everyday stressors more effectively.
Now, before I go any further with this example, we have to add one more layer: the other person in the situation.
If you are in intimate relationship, you are likely able to go through the same exercise that you just did for yourself: looking at their current situation versus Old Triggers that might be showing up.
So, in this example, you might be able to acknowledge that your spouse has had rough week at work and that he is doing his best to not let that create a problem at home – so he is taking some space. It actually has nothing to do with you.
Additionally, you might also know that an Old Trigger for your spouse is having someone encourage him to talk about things that have him riled up – like a bad day at work. And when that happens, he gets even more agitated and angry.
If you can see things from his viewpoint, you’re more likely to be able to let go of your worry that he doesn’t want to spend time with you and that you’ve done something wrong. You can put the situation into perspective and better understand What Is Yours and What Is Not Yours.
This process requires a lot of truth telling, patience and integrity.
You have to be willing to look at the ENTIRE picture so that you can take responsibility for your part, while at the same time let go of what the other person in the relationship needs to take responsibility for.
BECAUSE OVERREACTION IS NEVER SOOTHED BY MORE OVERREACTION. TEMPERANCE AND OPEN COMMUNICATION ARE REQUIRED IF YOU WANT TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THESE UPSETTING SITUATIONS.
Of course, you may end up in a situation where you don’t have nearly as much knowledge about the other person’s circumstances. In those cases, you have to be extra vigilant in examining your own contributions to what is arising and know that your work to take ownership and deflate any personal reactivity is all you can do.
Then you have to be willing to let go of trying to figure out what the other person’s part is. That’s their work. And they may or may not be willing to do it.
One other scenario that we can’t leave out are those in which someone else is only peripherally involved. When you’re left alone with yourself and your reaction.
Maybe someone said something in passing that set you instantly into a puddle of tears or a cloud of rage. Or you got an email from someone that you aren’t particularly close to, but it let loose a not-so-pretty chain reaction of emotions.
These situations require the same diligence of investigation. Perhaps you just had a long day, are tired, and hyper sensitized. That needs to be recognized. Or, maybe someone kicked up an Old Trigger that set things on fire internally, and you need to talk yourself through the process of calming down and learning from the situation.
:
REGARDLESS OF THE CIRCUMSTANCE, THERE’S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT: THIS WORK IS COMPLEX AND SOMETIMES EXTREMELY CHALLENGING.
However, over time, you’ll come to see that this level of self-evaluation and reflection is completely worth the effort. It will open doorways for better communication and choices, steer you away from knee-jerk reactions that are rarely helpful in growing a relationship or yourself.
You’ll come to realize that dramatic outbursts and overreactions are mostly just exhausting. And that the alternative – more clarity and equilibrium – is much more enjoyable.