There is a voice that follows me around much of the time, sometimes whispering in my ear, sometimes waking me up in the middle of the night, sometimes prattling on for hours and hours in the middle of the day, with no sense of how much is too much.

This is my inner critic.

She is at the ready to tell me what I have done wrong, what I could have done better, why I’m not a good person, how to become a better person. She sounds a lot like me, but with an edge of relentless finger-pointing. She has little patience and even less finesse.

FOR MUCH OF MY EARLY ADULT LIFE, I ALLOWED MY INNER CRITIC TO BE A REGULAR PART OF MY DAYS. I GAVE HER LOTS OF SPACE, LOTS OF CREDENCE, AND THUS, LOTS OF POWER. HER VOICE AFFECTED ME DEEPLY – MY ACTIONS, MY EMOTIONS, MY CHOICES.

Until I started to realize that she was becoming more harmful than helpful.

The erosion that was occurring as a result of listening to her and taking her words to heart was becoming too much. I was never quite satisfied with anything, my self-esteem was flagging on a regular basis, and perfectionism was suffocating me.

At that point, I had no choice. The damage needed to be repaired. I had to start learning how to tame my inner critic.

The first order of business was to understand that it wasn’t about banishing or criticizing her, tit for tat. It quickly became evident that that just made her get louder, more insistent.

Instead, I had to learn how to develop a dialogue with her. A relationship much different than the one we had previously, in which everything she said was Gospel and I was the soldier, carrying out orders.

Now it was time for me to carefully evaluate her input, not take it as a given. To start listening for the undercurrent of hurt or upset that fueled her, gave her strength. To better understand what she really needed in order for her words and harshness to subside, become a less dominant force in my life.

THIS IS THE ACT OF TAMING THE INNER CRITIC. MUCH LIKE WHEN A CHILD THROWS A TANTRUM, THERE IS USUALLY SOMETHING THAT LIES BENEATH THAT UPSET. SOMETHING THAT THE CHILD WANTS.

It’s the same with your inner critic.

If s/he is lambasting you for being so withdrawn at that recent gathering with your friends – how unsocial, unhelpful, un-everything you were – perhaps s/he is trying to ask you to come out of your shell more. To consider trusting your friends more deeply and letting them see more of you.

Or if you descend into the story that your inner critic tells you about how you can’t possibly find a healthy love relationship, because you are too picky, too complex, too wild, too independent, too, too, too … perhaps there is a call underneath that critique that is asking for more self-kindness. For you to tend yourself with more love. Reinforce how magnificent, worthy and loveable you are. Which, in the end, will attract love.

You must be willing to sit down with your inner critic and listen with an open heart. To be curious about why they are trying so hard to get your attention. Through that process, more understanding can emerge.

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NOW, WHILE IT IS OFTEN TRUE THAT THE INNER CRITIC HAS SOMETHING OF GREAT WORTH TO TRANSMIT, THERE ARE TIMES WHEN S/HE IS SIMPLY REPEATING THE OUTDATED WORDS OF TIMES PAST. A SKIPPING RECORD THAT NEEDS BE UNSTUCK.

One version of this that I hear consistently from female clients is about the inner critic that tells her that she is fat – or, at the very least, not “the perfect weight.” That, because she’s not a Size Zero or she “has curves,” something is very wrong.

This starts when we are young girls. We are inundated by images of models and movie stars, stick-thin women in high heels with glossy hair. We see the tall skinny girl at school get praised and our mother speaks about how our friend Sarah is so beautiful, with her slender figure.

(And, by the way, as a woman who grew up as a skinny girl, I can say: It goes both ways. The “slender” girl can feel like she isn’t really a woman, with her tomboy figure.)

And just like that, from these lessons-of-our-youth, the inner critic builds into our adult life, speaking out because s/he hasn’t learned anything different.

Identifying these set-ups with the inner critic is essential. Determinations based on old story that we have simply outgrown.

This is when your adult self, who sees what is going on, gets to step in and say No. No more. This story is done. It’s not true. I won’t reinforce it anymore. And I won’t let you reinforce it anymore.

In the story above, the conversation might go something like this:
I will change my language and teach you new language. We will speak about my body with respect and kindness. About the beauty and perfection of my body. I will be gracious and supportive about the shape of my body.

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Though the inner critic can be quite a force all unto itself, there’s another thing that can compound its strength: outside reinforcement.

The inner critic loves to be fortified by others.

YOUR BOSS. YOUR SPOUSE. YOUR TEENAGER. YOUR STUDENTS. YOUR CO-WORKERS. YOUR FRIENDS.

So not only do you need to develop an ear for what your inner critic is trying to communicate, you also have to watch for how your environment feeds your inner critic. And whether or not those messages are meant to help you change, or simply to tear you down.

Who in your world underscores the words of your inner critic?

Once you determine who those people are, you have to get to the business of combing through what is helpful input and what is not – much like the dialogue that you’ve already undertaken with your inner critic.

This is where it can get a little tricky. Because sometimes, the Universe – like your inner critic – is truly trying to get your attention about something by sending repeating messages through every delivery method possible.

For example, perhaps you have a habit of not following through on projects in a timely manner. At home. At work. Your inner critic has started to tell you that you’re worthless and can’t ever seem to get anything done in your life. On top of it, your spouse has been angry with you for leaving a bunch of house projects undone. And then, your boss threatens to take you off one of your favorite jobs because you “never follow through.”

Now, you could just get really angry and decide that everyone is wrong. That you don’t have to ever finish a project if you don’t want to, thank you very much.

But in cases like these, when it’s not just your inner critic speaking up, you might want to pause and take a look at the full landscape. Because a consistent message is being shared, trying to get your attention.

That said, this doesn’t mean that you have to accept the method of delivery. You have the opportunity to speak to your spouse and your boss about their tone of voice or thoughtless way of speaking to you. You also get to speak to your inner critic and let them know that you are going to do something about this, so they can relax a bit, not be quite so relentless.

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO TAKE ACTION. SET TO CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIORS SO THAT YOU ARE RESPONDING TO THE UNDERLYING REQUEST OF YOUR INNER CRITIC (AS WELL AS YOUR OUTER CRITICS).

Of course, there will be the times when the outer reinforcement is completely unhelpful and not even relevant. When you know that those voices are just conspiring to wear you down into a state of self-questioning and smallness. Much like the broken record of old stories that your inner critic likes to perpetuate.

And that’s when you get to stand up for yourself or turn away from those destructive influences. Make the choice to unplug your inner critic from the IV of unhelpful outside voices.

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Working with the inner critic is both complex and paramount. As the years pass, if we don’t take charge of this dialogue with the inner critic (and sources of outside reinforcement), s/he takes root, gets stronger, harder to work with.

IT’S NOT ALWAYS EASY WORK. SOMETIMES YOU WILL JUST GET HOPPING MAD AND TURN AWAY FROM ANY SENSE OF DISCERNMENT. SOMETIMES YOU’LL END UP IN A HEAP OF TEARS, LETTING YOUR INNER CRITIC TAKE YOU DOWN TO DEEP DEPTHS OF DESPAIR.

And … you will also have glimpses of insight. Moments of understanding that start to change how you work with your inner critic.

Until, eventually, you will come to see how a healthy relationship with your inner critic can help you move toward powerful, satisfying changes in your life.